The Starling's Journey

I think I had my first encounter with Mother yesterday. I believe she’s always with me, energy never dies, and out there maybe you really can be everywhere. But yesterday felt different.

I took a tough phone call and by the end of it, I got the impression that she was there, guiding me through it. It made me feel better, but I was still feeling overwhelmed. As I was doing dishes with various windows open around the house, I started to hear crows cawing outside. Eventually it overtook my focus because it sounded like so many. 50 or more. They were so loud, I started to get an eerie feeling. Was there an omen with a message? I left the sink and walked through the house trying to catch a glimpse of them out of whichever widow they were perched near and then I found them. In the tree in the neighbor’s yard, in my direct line of sight, and I was correct in my estimation of how many. I marveled at them. Forgetting how at first, I felt unsettled. Then after maybe 10 seconds or so, they began to get quiet. Immediately I felt as if they had been waiting for me. Even typing this right now I’m feeling the strangeness of it all. I pulled out my handy dandy notebook and did a quick search for:

“what does it mean when you hear a lot of crows”

Unsure of what would pop-up, more so expecting something damning, I read in highlighted text right under the search bar:

A sign that you are surrounded by good people, that you are not alone.

When I got up today it was still on my mind as other species performed their morning music. I dove deeper and discovered the numerous cultures that view crow sightings as signs and messages of adaptability and wisdom, two things I need now more than ever. Two of her strongest traits.

I think the message I will take with me today is to focus on my strengths, and be thankful. I am so blessed it’s hard to put it into words.

I love you Mother. Thank you.

I wrote something today and for some reason, I thought I could handle publishing it here. It’s obviously been a while since I’ve shared anything in this space but it’s still here and so am I.

11/26/2022 around noon.

It’s a beautiful fucking day today, so I raced inside to get my pen.
It’s not often I’m not writing about my inability to cope with the way life is lived here, but right now, in this moment, the wind sounds like the ocean.
The temperature is just right, my dog is by my side.
I feel my passions calling me from tucked away places in my gut.
Emotions swell up, from a life not lived well, but for now, I think I’ll dwell on the fact that I felt deep gratitude for this day even though I feel the intense weight of my pain.

I wasn’t trying to write a poem or a blog entry or anything for anyone really. I only wanted to document a moment where I felt good. After I was finished and I re-read what I had written, it reminded me of the word Balance. That was my word for the year a few years back and I think doing that helped me build a better relationship with the concept. I think I’ll re-visit those words for the year that I was doing for a while. Maybe I’ll do another next year.

until next time.

I went all of 2019 with no word for the year.

A few nights ago I had a word come to me and I thought it might be the one for 2020 but I wasn’t sure. I am now. 

I don’t know if not having a word this past year was the reason I found myself feeling lost, or if I never established a word because I felt so lost. If the latter was in fact the reason, I think that was seriously silly of me. I think intentions are so important. I know they are. I thought I had learned that already from doing this for a couple years. Often times I find myself abandoning good habits that have proven to be good for me then looking back and asking myself why I’m complaining about still being in the same spot.

I know a lot of shit has gone down this year, but I really can feel a true energetic difference between the years where I set my sights on an intention and this year where I neglected to do so. Aimless wanderer.

Everyone always says life “isn’t a practice run” but I think the way that’s phrased puts a lot of pressure on people to think they are already supposed to know how to do any of this. Practice is how we build the foundation for future success. Practice is all about figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Practice requires action. Practice results in progress.

I don’t know how to do any of this. But I’m willing to try. I’ve been giving things my best effort my whole life and giving in to feeling like a total failure when I didn’t get it perfect right away. There’s no grace in that. There’s no love in that. I want to be gracious and I want to be a kind and loving person, even to myself.

Although this post would probably get put in the “new year, new me” category, I want to be very clear…with myself more so than anyone. I am the same me. I am the same compassionate, moody, emotional, free thinking, loving, flawed, sensual, inquisitive, gracious, mistake making and always learning me.

Same me, higher perspective.

I think I’m just ready to put all the positive things I’ve spent the last few years soaking up into practice. I won’t ever be perfect but I’ll always be making progress.

x

Ahh the quest for balance. (re-cap my 2017 word for the year post here)

Honestly, I didn’t know if this post would ever come. I sat down to write something else and this just kinda flowed out. It started out as something else and bloomed into this post that ultimately has just made me feel as though I need to trust myself more. That makes me smile.

*

Usually, by January 8th, I am in the thick of “New Year denial.” You know it, where we’ve all convinced ourselves that this year is going to be ours, and everything is going to go our way. Yeah! But then, at the first sign of what we perceive to be the opposite, we then open up our eyes to what we like to refer to as “reality.” Or, “same shit different day” maybe. That type of thing…

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Photo by dan carlson on Unsplash

So life lately for me looks a little bit like this:

joy+being what some would call, a weirdo+chaos

can you tell I’m back in school? I’m seriously putting life together like a math problem. People who know me well know that if I’m talking about math in any way (other than quoting Frasier of course) then my life MUST be out of control because I’ve literally gone crazy.

Further explanations:Read More

I’ve lied.
I’ve cheated.
I’ve stolen.
I’ve said really mean things behind peoples backs.
I’ve engaged in one too many immature Twitter fights .
I’ve been “that [drunk] girl” at way too many birthday parties/weddings/corporate awards events…
I’ve judged others.
I’ve let people down.
I’ve said things I didn’t mean to hurt other people.
I’ve done and said some really shitty things in my 27 years.
But also- I love.
I have been hurt.
I have hurt.
I have apologized.
I have forgiven.
I have gathered strength..
and I have provided it.
I’ve given grace.
My heart is kind.
I am compassionate.
I crave connection.
I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago.
I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago.
I’m not the same person I was last year.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on a never ending rollercoaster ride…
but still, I love.
I’m not perfect, but I don’t expect anyone else to be either. 

Today, I turn 27 years old. Since my birthday is May 27th, that would make this day my golden birthday and this year my golden year. I kicked off my golden year by conquering one of my biggest fears–jumping out of an airplane. When you get down to it, I don’t think the actual act of skydiving is my biggest fear,  but more the act of letting go of control. I don’t want to let my fears and insecurities continue to cloud my vision of the beauty all around me. I am not without fear, but I’m done letting it stop me. I’m done letting it have control over my life. I know this will be a process, but jumping out of that plane today was a good first step. It was something I never thought I would be courageous enough to do. But that’s another thing that I am….#28- Brave.

So here goes nothing. I’m going to live my golden year to the fullest. Loving life, loving others, and loving myself.

**This post was started May 25th, 2017 but completed in real time, May 27th, 10:111pm

Have you ever met someone and had a feeling you knew them in another life maybe? That happened to me today with this beautiful butterfly. I was on my way to an appointment and was feeling a bit anxious over life in general, but I was powering through my day as we often do, suffering in silence. I ended up parking on the wrong side of the building so I began walking in the correct direction and I saw him lying on the sidewalk, struggling, just waiting to be stepped on.

I stopped to see if he would allow me to pick him up. I figured if he was capable of flying he would get spooked and carry on but he crawled right on to my hand. He didn’t look maimed but he seemed a little anxious too. My heart connected with his sweet little spirit and all I wanted to do was make his day better. I wondered if maybe he was dying so I took that photo and promised to remember him fondly. I didn’t want to be late to my appointment but I also didn’t want to leave him behind. I stooped down to sit him next to a bush in front of the building and it almost seemed like he didn’t want to leave my hand. I promised if he waited there, I would come back for him after my appointment…

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Hello there.

I’m not sure if I’m talking to the person reading this or the person writing this to be honest. So much has brought me back to this space. My first post of 2017 shared here was very much about where I am and where I want to be. I spoke about feeling like a complete and total mess right now and (if I’m going to continue the trend of  being honest) I still am. That almost feels liberating to say. Or type. Scary- but liberating as well. So much of blogging and social media and LIFE IN GENERAL is all about making sure people think you’re put together. Making sure they can’t see your mess.

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It’s taken me a really long time to get back here. I’ve started to write many times but nothing ever seemed just right. I’ve felt this way before but, although I’d still consider myself new at this, I’ve never stayed away so long. Maybe that’s because I’ve been wondering…what is this? Why am I doing this? What am I accomplishing here? What am I sharing here? Is it too much? Is it not enough? I suppose these are questions that lots of bloggers ask themselves at one point or another and maybe I’ve already asked them once before myself in some way, but in truth I think I never really explored the answers because I got really wrapped up in the blogging culture…

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Well, Summer is officially over and here I am. It’s been a few days and I think I’m a mess. It helps though that a storm is rolling in right now so the weather is making me happy. I tried to show up here as often as I could but as usual, Summer stole my heart away and with that, my time. I suppose I’ve come here to cope *dramatic sigh*.

The end of summer always feels like the end of the year for me, is that odd? This is always the time of year where I look back on the past 12 months and ask myself what I really accomplished and what I want to do moving forward. I know most people do this at the end of December but for me, that time is right about now. Usually I’m left with an overwhelming sadness to be honest. I think it’s a combination of my favorite season being over and that I never feel like I’m where I want to be or I’ve done enough to get there, but this time is different I think…

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